Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.