Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
can you read it!!??
maan!
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.