Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

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her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally


Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”


I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.


It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car


doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?


I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it


1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.


I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga