Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
favorite tropes as memes
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.