@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

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@trumpetcake

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

@daemonic3

Which of these is a deadly virus?
A) Bola
B) Bola
C) Bola
D) Bola
E) Bola

@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.