[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.