poseidon: has anyone seen my trident
zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’ll never look at it the same again.
Top Gun was so unrealistic
Everyone knows Tom Cruise can’t reach the clutch on a motorcycle
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.
Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.