“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

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poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit


When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.


Top Gun was so unrealistic

Everyone knows Tom Cruise can’t reach the clutch on a motorcycle


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.


When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.