“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
You Might Also Like
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible