Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Best mom ever 😂
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.