Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.