‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Come back with a warrant
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I feel attacked.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*