‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.