My dog just fell off the bed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.
parent cockroaches be like “don’t let me catch you in those nice neighborhoods”
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I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.
And Facebook is going to pay for it.
Make Twitter Great Again.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades