parent cockroaches be like “don’t let me catch you in those nice neighborhoods”

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My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.


I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…


Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do


[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”


me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good


Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.


We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.


2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer


my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades