I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
You Might Also Like
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho