Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”