At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.