@DaddyJew

Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet

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@sixfootcandy

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

@MomOfTeen

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

@bluntphilip

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@ilovepie84

Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@meghaffer

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box