Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
This sounds bad:
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.