[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.


Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.


[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”



Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby


If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.


Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?


Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?