@iwearaonesie

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

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@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@MissHavisham

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

@TheTalkingPipe

I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@samalmightysam

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

@AndyAsAdjective

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@ArfMeasures

SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are