I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?