[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
never forget
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
real
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.