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@iwearaonesie: [parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
@LipLush1: You can extend the olive branch..
but you can't beat them over the head with it
@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@Sickayduh: "Nice place!"
"You look nice."
"DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?"
"Mom told me not to date a goat."
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage."
Me: "Fred or Ben?"
@QwertyJones3: Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She's the cutest kitty I've ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.