[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.
At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!