@2browneyedboys

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

You Might Also Like

@KylePlantEmoji

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

@AimeeHelene1

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

@NewDadNotes

Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@BonaFideIntent

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

@JordanPeele

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

@thatUPSdude

We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.