[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.