[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
If only.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood