Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?