How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The glockness monster
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Spell check is for lasers.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.