Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My first child will be named New Folder.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.