Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.