Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.


When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.


My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.


Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.


From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings


I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.


Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!