@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

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@geekonursleeve

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@varoon_singh

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@TaylorVirtue

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

@CabetoMejia

From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!