Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
2022 will be better than 2021
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.