Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”