Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Croquettes are not female crocodiles