Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why font matters.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.