Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.