Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Cucumbers Anonymous
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.