@copymama

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable.

@DominicStraw

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

@pleatedjeans

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

@xxsomebunnyxx

A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’

@briangaar

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

@roxiqt

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.