Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass