Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.