Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Duolingo getting serious.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Succinctly put.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”