Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]