Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me