Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
some Old Testament wisdom
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives