My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?
KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*
I can either be on time or wearing pants.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]
Me: what have you been up to in there?
Lion: Narnia business
Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.
the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason