Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
FINE, I WON’T.
Finally, an explanation.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Shortcut
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you