Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
😆this is so true
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.