I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[day 7 of quarantine]
∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.