Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.