@Swishergirl24

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

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@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@jacaristar

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

@TuffyNyC

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

@TrickleVaryTea

Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
what
“Gotta hear both sides”

@ChipKellysBalls

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
 <⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

   ∧_∧ oh no
   ( ・ω・) im late for work
  _| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

 <⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

@CornOnTheGoblin

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.