SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.