Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?


pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.


“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician


[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]



I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.


Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.


My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.


[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1


[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.



me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow