@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

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@juneohara65

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

@5exyunchained

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

@TheBoyWhoWrote

Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.

@BradBroaddus

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

@justokpanda

[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@fro_vo

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow