Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Happy Halloween 🎃
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
What number SPF blocks people?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to