Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin’, went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.