@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

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@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@NeinQuarterly

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

@ibid78

My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?

@sweetmomissa

Tired of getting along with your family? Miss your sweet children screaming at each other? Ask your doctor if Game Night™️ is right for you!

@GinRumMe

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

@Birdhumms

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

@hermanntrude

For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.

@xLiserx

It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.