@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

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@LeahsLounge

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

@LoveNLunchmeat

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

@rcromwell4

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

@CelebrityChez

Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin’, went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.

@unravelingfire

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@SSparklesDaily

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.