My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
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While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
Tired of getting along with your family? Miss your sweet children screaming at each other? Ask your doctor if Game Night™️ is right for you!
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.