I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance