Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…