Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
This meal prepping shit easy
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Those are good neighbors.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
WTF
☺️
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”