Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”