Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”