Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit