Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
No laws when master is gone
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Science memes
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.