How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Beauty and the Beast
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*