Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.