@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

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@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@fapanislives

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.

@Faceyspace

Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@BatBatshitcrazy

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

@stephenjmolloy

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?