Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
You Might Also Like
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
the red hot silly peppers
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”