Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.


Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.


If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take


After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.


GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again


Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.


Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?