Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Seems a bit forward
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.