Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Great game to play with friends