@aissalanis

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

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@ginnyhogan_

divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.

@SunshineJarboly

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@KateWhineHall

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

@causticbob

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

@daemonic3

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

@DocAtCDI

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.